“To be honest, I may or may not even take your advice, but at this point my thoughts are going a mile a minute, I can’t concentrate on much else going on in my life and I need to find a way to wrap my head around this whole situation. I want your advice so here we go…”
My friend’s long-term boyfriend cheated on her. Bad. Like so bad she was wondering who the real side chick was— this other girl or her?
“I feel hurt, embarrassed, jealous, angry as fuck and super confused. I don’t think I could really say anything that I haven’t already said before but I guess I’m looking for relief. WHAT DO I DO?! I can’t stop obsessing over them together and a part of me wants him to be suffering too but it appears like he’s just moved on and life is great. What would you do to help yourself move on? Stay quiet? Reply to him? Like idk wtf to do. I am so so so so so upset.
This guy really broke my heart. And I feel like I’m grieving as if this was a death or something.
Here was my response:
Hey Love —
Do you truly want relief from this experience? Do you want to resolve your anxiety MORE than you want him to suffer? Be as honest as you can. If you’re more committed to making him wrong than you are to your own clarity and peace, you won’t be able to integrate this message.
I’m asking you to spend longer than you want to spend being real with yourself and considering your highest desire: revenge or relief?
If it’s revenge, save the rest of this message for once you’ve exhausted yourself and changed your mind to relief.
Do me the favor of not reading this until your priority is yourself—your own alignment, happiness, confidence, and balance. If you read it with him in mind, you’ll be interpreting my advice for you as advice for him. That will be a waste of both your time and mine.
Take 100% responsibility for everything.
You are playing the role of the victim. The helpless recipient of someone else’s abuse. It’s his fault that you’re hurt. He’s the villain and you’re his victim. You did nothing wrong. You were good. He was bad.
This type of thinking is useless. It will get you nowhere. It doesn’t work. You know deep down that it doesn’t. Blame and resentment and regret and trying to make others feel bad never solves problems. It prolongs the pain and leaves you with a disempowering narrative with which to move forward.
When I say “Take 100% responsibility,” I don’t mean blame yourself. I just mean stop blaming him. When you blame someone else, you’re giving them power over you. Reclaim the power of this moment by taking responsibility for what happened.
Once you take responsibility, you’ll have access to a state of curiosity and openness. This is where transformation can happen.
From this state, you will begin to consider thoughts like these:
“This is not about him. This really has nothing to do with him at all. This is 100% between me and myself.
I’m generating this experience for myself to grow.
What am I teaching myself through this?
What am I learning?
When I look back on this from the future, how will I remember this experience as an astounding opportunity for growth?
How will this experience have been exactly what I needed?”
Taking responsibility is a prerequisite for freedom. By taking responsibility, you open yourself up to what’s possible; an empowering narrative; a new experience of yourself.
Happy to talk more at any point if you want.