I was laying in savasana tonight, just a few hours ago, and I considered finishing the #100Somethings challenge like I had originally intended. The thought excited me.
What the hell? My last essay, Rerouting, was about my decision to shift my commitment from publishing 100 essays before the end of 2017 to writing every day before 2017.
But since I wrote that essay I haven’t been able to read it. I haven’t wanted to talk about it or read people’s comments on it. I’ve been avoiding it.
I also haven’t been writing.
So tonight, as I laid there on my mat and the thought crossed my mind to leap back into my commitment to publish 100 posts before the end of the year, I felt a big obvious warm loving “fuck yes.”
This is a llliiitttllleee hard to do but… nevermind to my last essay.
But I’m glad I wrote that last essay. Really glad. By giving myself space from the responsibility to write an essay a day, I was able to see it more objectively; without the self-imposed expectation; without the “should.”
It’s like that idea that if you set something free and if it comes back, it’s truly yours — that’s how this feels. I began to doubt my original commitment, so I set it free. And without having the freedom and self-love and openness to reroute, I wouldn’t have discovered how committed and intrinsically motivated I still am.
Plus I recognize this moment as an opportunity to move past something I haven’t completely moved past before: sticking through the tedious, less exciting middle phase and finishing strong.
I don’t always advocate for just muscling through stuff and getting to the end. I think often we start things that don’t matter so much to us. In those cases it’s important to be able to shift gears or opt out.
But writing matters a lot to me. Like a fucking ton. And writing 100 essays matters a lot to me surprisingly. I’m proud of it. I love it. It’s important for my goals and my sanity and my life. I’m all in. I really want to do this.
And maybe I’ll change my mind again or fuck this up or whatever. That’s ok. 🙂
It’s important that folks know I’m passing no judgment here— for everyone else who has rerouted their #100Somethings, more power to you. What do I know? Lol. This is entirely my experience. No advice. No judgement. No insight. Just think of today’s essay as a little journal entry from me to myself that y’all got to read.
Oh side note, there are 80 days left in the year and this is my 21st post. Nice timing, me.
Photo by the lovely Jess Ryan